10 Swimming Patches for Swim Parents

This swim opinion if courtesy of The Splashfather.

For those of you who have embraced the 21st Century, with the internet, cloud based computing, social media and iPhone apps, you’ve probably stumbled across USA Swimming’s popular member app, Deck Pass. Deck Pass is a swim parent’s dream app…it automatically imports your swimmer’s meet times from USA Swimming, sorts them by event and fastest to slowest time, gives you a place to input goals, and lets you look up to see how fast that other kids have been swimming to see how your kid stacks up. Heck, using the app you can even get discounts at hotels and stuff. But one of the crowning features of Deck Pass is the Deck Pass Patch page. Basically, USA Swimming takes all the National Motivational Time Cut achievements and slaps them into a cute graphic, where they are collected and on display at any time on the app. It’s a very smart motivational tool. Other fun patches are also included, such as the ‘Four Legged Monster’ Patch (given when you have swum all 4 legs of a Medley relay over the season), the ‘.01 and you’re done’ patch (for when an achieved time ends in .01), and other program involvement patches like those for the anti-doping and performance enhancement educational series by TrueSport.

There are so many cool and wonderful patches for the swimmers on Deck Pass, but my question for USA Swimming is, “Where’s the Love for the Swim Parent?” Where’s my patch? We pay all the money, we haul all the gear, we do all the driving, we do all the swim watching…why don’t we get a patch for all of our accomplishments?

Well, fret no more, swim parent! The Splashfather Chronicles has constructed this list of Deck Pass Patches that can be awarded to all of you diehard swim-nut parents. We feel confident that we are on to something here, and have submitted the following patch designs to the USA Swimming Deck Pass Patch Team (‘Team’ may be pushing it, I think):

60 Minute Mark

The Sixty Minute Mark patch is given to a parent who has managed to sit at swim meets long enough to watch their swimmer compile an aggregate of 60 full minutes swum. Sounds pretty benign, right? Do the math, however, and you’ll find that you will have spent an obscene amount of time at swim meets until you reach 60 minutes of actual sport spectated. That is unless your kid swims the 500yd often or the mile every once in a while, in which case, you should get the patch just for sitting through that 2 or 3 times, hoping the kids running the lap counters don’t lose count on lap 43, because you did.

Dad’s/Mom’s Swim Taxi Co

If your family truckster has logged more miles driving to and from practices and meets so far this season than it has to and from your workplace, you might be running a Swim Taxi (See IRS.gov for specific reporting requirements for Swim Taxis). The Swim Taxi patch is also given to Swim practice carpool drivers, who are generally subject to carloads of yapping, texting, Flappy Bird-playing food vacuums. Just imagine if you actually collected fares for all your swim driving. Staggering.

Swim Meet Barbie

You know who you are, with your yoga pants, and your perfectly toned arms, your Rhinestone Swim Mom t-shirt, and your…other features. It’s bad enough when we have to report to the pool at 630AM for warmups looking the way we do, but for you and your perfect ponytail sticking out of your swim club ball cap, life seems just effortless. I bet you are going to Panera after the meet to eat a salad, aren’t you? AREN’T YOU?!? To you goes the Swim Meet Barbie patch.

Over The Top

Tech suits are expensive, aren’t they? Have they ever been so expensive that you had your purchase declined because it managed to punch your credit card over the limit? You didn’t realize that BlueSeventy represented a) how you’d feel and b) the percentage chance you will never feel that the purchase was truly justified, did you? If you have paid enough for a 10-wear swimsuit that at one point in your life you paid for an entire waterbed, you get the Over the Top Patch.

Death By Bleachers

One swim meet session is long enough for any mortal creature. But what if you have swimmers split between the AM and PM sessions? For all of you poor souls spending the equivalent of a no-lunch shift at a steel mill in the bleachers all weekend, we award you the Death by Bleachers patch. Oh, and don’t forget to stay for the relays!

Hearing Protection Required 

Are you capable of being clearly heard from a full pool length away? Do you find yourself conspicuously alone within about an hour of the swim meet start? Do people routinely ask you to put the bullhorn away, and are surprised when you tell them you don’t have one? If your swimmer can actually hear you during their race, then you qualify for the Hearing Protection Required patch! Congratulations! (I think)

Out of Juice

If you have come to a meet with at least 2 fully charged electronic devices, and managed to drain them both down to dead battery by the end of the meet, you will be awarded the Out of Juice Patch. Bonus Gold star awards are given to those that sit on the floor next to an outlet in the aquatic center to charge them up and keep going.

Lawn Chair Sherpa 

The Lawn Chair Sherpa patch is given to any Dad or Mom who manages to haul in 4 or more camp or lawn chairs to the swim meet facility from the absolute farthest parking space from said swim meet facility. We may actually have specific distances worked into this one, you know…like the 200m Lawn Chair Sherpa, or the 50m Lawn Chair Sherpa…we are still hashing that out with the developers. God help you if you brought a cooler full of snacks.

The 1000 Towel Award 

This patch is bestowed on any parent who has officially washed 1000 swim practice and meet towels. This patch should have some kind of award attached, like a BOGO coupon for your next purchase of Snuggle Fabric Softener, but alas, you just get a patch. Many of you in the time it has taken to read this, may have actually earned the patch. Thank goodness for bulk stores…Viva Costco!

Can’t Keep Calm 

Pretty simple premise here….if you are basically a basket case when your child is swimming, you get the patch. Probably the easiest patch to get, because let’s face it, we’re all pretty nervous when it’s time for our kids to swim. Just try and leave the aquatic center with something resembling fingernails and a set of functioning vocal chords.

If you enjoyed these patches, please swing by our blog for much more in the world of youth to senior competitive swimming. Although I’d like to take complete credit for all the patch designs above, two of them (Dad’s Swim Taxi and I Can’t Keep Calm) are both designs from our sister apparel company, ChorineGear. To see these designs on shirts, tanks, hoodies as well as MANY more, stop by their website at chlorinegear.com.

MAY THE TIMECLOCK BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOR.

The Splashfather

About the Author: The Splashfather (a.k.a Jeff Sullivan) is a real life Swim Dad, Publicity Director for his Club Team, and President of his neighborhood summer swim team. He has generated a monster love for the sport of swimming and has started the Splashfather Chronicles as a place for swim families to laugh and learn more about the Fellowship of the Chlorinated.

To explore his blog or subscribe, visit http://swim-Splashfather.maanspace.com or http://bit.ly/SplashfatherChronicles.

This Swimming Listicle is courtesy of Chlorine Gear, a SwimSwam partner.