Charles Hartley, a free-lance writer based in New Jersey, has written more than a thousand published sports articles. He earned Master’s degrees in Business Administration and Journalism. In addition, he was awarded his Bachelor’s degree from Wake Forest University where he majored in English and Communications.
In a time where the Olympic movement seems to be falling apart from disease, corruption, doping, and every other imaginable flaw of sports, Charles Hartley envisions a different version of the Olympics, one where the focus is on just 3 Olympic events.
It’s been reported, in case you haven’t heard, that Rio de Janeiro is struggling to finish preparations for the Summer Olympics that start in 11 days.
I have a suggestion for how they can pull this off and make everybody happy.
Forget about manicuring the Olympic golf course in Rio de Janeiro. Shut down the golf event altogether.
No golfers care about playing in the event.
Don’t bother finishing construction of the other venues besides the Olympic Stadium. Cancel a bunch of sports that no one cares about such as the javelin, which is dangerous anyway, and the shot put because it’s too hard to relate to putting a round heavy ball against your neck, spinning in a circle, and groaning as you heave it 25 feet.
Forget the 100 meter dash. It’s just a bunch of guys running fast for 10 seconds. Cancel all track and field and volleyball, both indoor and outdoor. Shut down the Triathlon so the athletes don’t have to swim a mile in disgusting water.
There should only be three Olympic sports. The first is swimming because it’s the most intense sport in the world and the one most people around the world like to watch most. The second is the men’s Olympic Marathon because only those runners endure as much pain as the swimmers who do the 400 individual medley. They earn the right to participate because their pain thresholds are insanely high.
The third is ping pong because it’s pretty interesting to watch especially when both players stand back 10 feet from the table and whack shots back and forth fifty times all for the purpose of winning a single point.
The swimming venue should be abandoned. During the next 11 days there should only be one construction project: erect a roof on the top of the Olympic Stadium. Then build an Olympic-sized pool in the center.
Holding the swimming events in the bigger stadium will make it possible for more fans to see the races live. They will be able to tell their grandchildren they saw Michael Phelps swim in person.
This is important because he’s amazing.
For the opening ceremonies, there should only be swimmers, marathon runners, and ping pong players.
Michael Phelps won’t attend because he never does because he wants to rest his legs before his big races for more Gold Medals. But Ryan Lochte will be there carrying the American flag because he’s not as uptight about Olympic swimming as Phelps.
There will be two marathon flag-bearers. One will be from Kenya and the other Ethiopia. These will be the two favorites to fly through the 26.2-mile race and enter the stadium first and second to the roar of the crowd.
The third flag will be carried by two Chinese ping pong players, side by side. For more than 100 years China has ruled the world in this sport and has two guys projected to take Gold and Silver. Those two are also favored to win Gold in the doubles competition, which makes sense given they’re the two best in the world.
There will be additional swimming events because that’s what everyone wants to see more than anything else. Phelps will swim the 900,000 meter freestyle. He will be favored to out-touch Lochte at the wall by a half second.
The race will take 2 hours and 10 minutes, the same as it will take the Kenyan to edge the Ethiopian for Olympic Gold.
Meawhile, at the center of the stadium two Chinese guys will play 2 hours and 10 minutes of ping pong.
The Closing Ceremonies should be a swimming race. The first heat should pit the Kenyan and Ethiopian in a 400 individual medley. The two Chinese ping pong guys will do the same race in Heat 2.
The winners of both heats will advance to the finals and race each other.
The winner will get another Gold Medal and an autograph from Michael Phelps.
Gonna have to ask the author to submit both a urine and blood sample. Perhaps this was an attempt at sarcasm?
Wow, this seemingly tongue in cheek article brought out some darkness from its readers! lol
#LifeIsTooShortToBeSoSerious
Ledecky signs up for the 900,000 and goes sub one hour
This guy Hartley is s breath of fresh air. Satire a long lost art. Nice to read something and smile.
Haha, thanks for the chuckle.
Would be nice to see a decathlon: not just track events, but you have to swim, wrestle, run, throw, box, do gymnastics, arm wrestle, gladiator combat a lion, rock-paper-scissors, and eat the most hot dogs in 10 minutes.
My money is on Hosszu
didn’t read all of this article.. but on a sports talk show I was listening to recently, a point was made that I completely agree with “if the Olympics is NOT the pinnacle of your sport, then it probably doesn’t need to be in the games”
so that would cut some events that have no real need to be in the Olympics.. men’s basketball and soccer, golf, tennis
also not a fan of events that rely upon judges, which can lead to controversy (mainly Olympic boxing.. but gymnastics has had its share of controversy in this regard as well)
women’s softball should be back in (not men’s baseball)
Did NJ legalize? Someone confiscate Chuck’s stash and send it my way.
However bizarre and humorous this article is, I do agree that golf should be removed from the Olympics. Many top golfers have withdrawn and the only draw for a lot of them is winning a gold medal, because they can make more money playing at different tournaments.
And golf is like the least intense sport on the planet.
Ok Curling
I’ve curled and I’ve golfed. I’d say curling is more intense than golf.