Courtesy of Elizabeth Wickham
Standing at the end of my swimmer’s lane, I cheered loudly at the big meet. Next heat, I stood with a fellow swim mom and we cheered for her daughter. Then, another parent pulled us aside and said, “There are college coaches here and you’re ruining your swimmers’ chances to be recruited.”
I was stunned. First, I had never considered cheering for swimmers as “bad.” Second, our kids were 13 years old and college was the furthest thing from our minds. We highly doubted any college coach would pay attention to our swimmers who barely made cuts for the meet. In that particular case, I believe the mom offering advice was out of line. But, it was the first time I ever considered that my behavior could have an impact on my kids’ college recruiting. After talking to several coaches, I learned they do pay attention to parents.
Here are four things college coaches said could raise a red flag during recruiting:
ONE
The parent communicates on behalf of their swimmer. The parent acts as the point person and sends emails about their child to the coach. In person, the parent asks all the questions and the swimmer stands by silently which makes it difficult for a coach to develop a rapport with the athlete. One coach told me there are only two people a college coach wants to talk with: 1. the athlete, 2. the athlete’s coach.
TWO
What happens when a college coach observes a parent coaching from the stands or arguing with coaches and officials? If a parent acts way out of line—and I mean beyond normal parent enthusiasm—the coach may make a mental note of that parent’s behavior. Although college coaches have less interaction with parents than an age group coach, if they’re looking at several comparable swimmers, they may choose to go with swimmers with non-confrontational parents.
THREE
Helicopter parents who do everything for their kids can cause problems. Kids who aren’t allowed to fail or handle the day-to-day tasks of caring for themselves will have a harder time adjusting when they’re away from home. Coaches want to recruit kids who will be successful academically and in the pool—without mom and dad. They pick up cues if parents are “helicoptering” and if the swimmer is independent or not.
FOUR
Conversely, how athletes treat their parents is important to coaches. One coach told me she overheard an athlete yell at her mother on the cell phone. Another coach said a swimmer was rude to his parents in person. In both instances, the coaches took a pass on those athletes.
What parent behaviors do you think would be a red flag to college coaches?
Elizabeth Wickham volunteered for 14 years on her kids’ club team 
as board member, fundraiser, newsletter editor and “Mrs. meet manager.” She’s a writer with a bachelor of arts degree in editorial journalism from the University of Washington with a long career in public relations, marketing and advertising. Her stories have appeared in newspapers and magazines including the Los Angeles Times, Orange County Parenting and Ladybug. You can read more parenting tips on her blog.
It is very funny hearing all these comments and horror stories about coaches. Guarantee 95% percent of these problems could of been resolved if parents went through the recruiting process the right way. Parents should be 100% involved in the recruiting process. I even asked recruits to bring their parents on the official visit if they can come.
1. An official visit for a recruit is a two way interview process. Ask questions to the head coach! What is his/her coaching philosophy? What are his/her rules and expectations for every student athlete?
2. Get to know the head college coach during official visit. If a head coach refuses to meet with the parents during the official visit that should… Read more »
The best look for a parent is to simply supportive of their kid & enthusiastic about their interests. One of my kids took to wrestling. I’d rather sit for a dental procedure than watch wrestling. But that had nothing to do with my kid’s enthusiasm for it. Every kid needs to have a thing of their own. It’s their thing.
Cheer loud & proud like a fool, bring snacks the kids like & offer to drive for other parents with tight time or resources. The coaches coach & the kids get their own experience & mold their own happy memories. Any NCAA coach who’d see that as a poor showing isn’t worth your time or any of your kid’s time.
Agreed! I think Elizabeth’s point is that there is a difference between a concerned parent looking out for their son or daughter in the recruiting process and “that” parent who is clearly living vicariously through their child and attempting to control a situation that is probably better left to the swimmer, his / her coach and the college coaches. I think she is also trying to provide a cautionary tale, so when parents are at meets, their behavior is not misconstrued by potential recruits. Heed the advice! At the “bigger” meets or States, there are recruits in the stands, in the hallways, on the deck, in the bathrooms, sitting with teams, etc. so just keep that in mind. The swimming… Read more »
When my swimmer went through this process, we were very careful to rule out coaches who had the reputation for being abusive to swimmers, didn’t talk with parents, etc. Unfortunately, with most D-1 schools, this is exactly what you get. Unless you’re a top 100 swimmer in the nation in the recruiting class, most head coaches don’t spend the time with you, and even then, they will tell you to commit early in order to reserve your spot. Another issue with today’s college swimming is the coaches who are going outside the US to find older, more developed swimmers (on the male side especially), putting your freshman/sophomore swimmer at a disadvantage, because a lot of the internationals are coming in… Read more »
Largely agree, particularly regarding older foreign swimmers, but I’m puzzled by one statement. Isn’t “…won’t take on the risk of a swimmer if their ACT/SAT score is too low…” exactly what we’d want a coach to do? College swimming isn’t an NBA developmental league. Any coach should want kids who can get it done in the classroom as well as the pool. The best swimmer in the world is useless if they can’t stay eligible. Absent specific standardized test-taking issues (which should be handled on an individual basis) this sounds like model behavior.
FWIW, many of the top D3 schools are probably more academically rigorous than a lot of D1 schools. I do believe that there is a place… Read more »
My first comments are true experience. Be very careful of what you are getting into. We let our swimmer be an adult and make the decision on where to go with minimum input from us. It has not been a good experience. Do not assume that the coaching staff has your swimmers best interest in mind. They may have only their best interest in mind. College sports are about money, not about building character or looking out for others. We found out the hard way. We are basically very trusting people and assumed the best. It turned otherwise. Ask a lot of questions and talk to the parents of the swimmers that are already there. Teams have special rules regarding… Read more »
Ok. You made some really general statements there. I have met several college coaches and at the school our son picked, the coaching staff has been really wonderful and has shown a genuine interest in the full development of our son as a man, student and swimmer. We knew when we met them because we asked questions that revealed character. Sounds like your swimmer did not make a choice that was a good fit but it’s not right to lump all coaches into that group with such negative comments because there are really some amazing coaches out there.
Great advice Elizabeth. Judging from some of the comments I think some people think you are talking about all parents.I know you are talking about the over involved parents who are afraid their swimmer will say something to jeopardize their recruiting. These are the same parents who only send video of their kid when the win. Coaches are recruiting the student-athlete, not the parent
Thank you, Rick Paine. I enjoy your articles and advice.
Very good article. Having been through the recruiting process three times I know that coaches greatly value a direct line of communication and coaching with the athlete, not a parent trying to control where their children will go. If the parents are used to doing everything for the athlete, that child will suffer when they get on campus.
You are welcome. Thanks for the kind words
YEAH TO SEE IF WILL DOPE OR NOT, COME ON! THIS IS USA!
THIS NO USA – THIS TEXAS
Do you really help your child with AP courses? You won’t be able to do that in college – unless you plan on renting an apt nearby.
Another great article and you are “spot on” with your comments!
Our twins will join recruiting process next summer. I will apply same approach I apply to their education. I never ever go to their school. I stay away from PTAs and booster clubs and any organization that includes parents. But I work tirelessly with them at home. I am expert on AP World History, for example. I read chapters they go over and discuss with them religion, Islam, democracy (or lack of it in USA now days) and any concept they need to know and understand, not just memorize. I do not expect any coach to have best interest of our kids as their primary consideration, or any consideration for that matter. They want to win and care about their… Read more »
Lol you are helping your kids with homework in High school? That’s sad. Wish my parents helped me with my homework ?
Where did I say I do their homework?
Hi Psychdad. I like most of what you have to say, but in my opinion if the coaches don’t have the best interest of all of their swimmers in mind they will not be successful in building a truly great team.
Why you discussing Islam?
Because it is part of World History, unless Trump will rewrite World History soon, in which case Islam will magically disappear. And because they can hear unique perspective from their father they cannot possible hear at the school. My home country was 500 years under Turkish Empire; many people converted into Islam. I told them stories about that. I told them stories I grew up among Muslims too. I explain what Jihad meant originally, not Jihad as interpreted by fundamentalists and terrorist. Why all religions popped up about at the same time among people that did not even communicate with each other? Why do all believe there is only one God? I teach them people are not evil – evil… Read more »