Gary: So, I’d been following the Republican primary…
David: False.
Gary: So, I subscribe to Ashton Kutcher’s Twitter feed, and he was talking about something called the #RepublicanPrimary. Anyway, I just found out that Santorum was actually a Republican Primary Candidate, or “Re-Primate” in the swamps of shorthand.
By the way, I think I might be a Republican.
David (ignoring the last comment): Speaking of Googling. Did you know that when I Google “Gary Hall Jr.”, the Google toolbar automatically fills in the word…
Gary: It pops up for “Rick Santorum” too. Do you have any idea how many times I had to Google “Gary Hall Jr. Gay” for that to happen?
David: More than me googling “Reginald Veljohnson Dead”?
Gary: He’s dead? I uh…I’m getting a lot of information here. I might need a pause.
Anyway, that Gay Google thing is totally normal. It also happens when you type in “Ian Thorpe”, so, you know, there’s no way it could mean anything. I mean other than the fact that a lot of people are accidentally typing the word “Gay” when they Google me. And Ian apparently.
David (without pausing): Anyway, don’t you think it would be funny if we had a contest to see who could come up with a new word for an expression that swimmers use all the time?
Gary: No David I, um, sorry, I was checking my latest Tweets.
David: Do you really use Twitter?
Gary: Absolutely not. I was Googling “Reginald Veljohnson” to find out what the toot you’re talking about. I swear, an oracle can’t make sense of your blathering sometimes.
David: Anyway, I was thinking…
Gary (interrupting): Good. Good. You just keep thinking, Butch. That’s what you’re good at.
David: You know what would be funny? To have a contest to see who can think of a funny word for something that people talk about all the time in swimming. Like when a man cuts himself with a razor, because it got clogged with hair. We could call that mix of gel, hair, blood, and pain “the 200 breaststroke.” You get what I’m saying?
Gary: Gary: It would appear that some pubescent hate-monger has been typing the word “Gay” after “David Cromwell Idea” too.
David: What about verbs? You know, like a lot of people say that somebody is “Mel-Stewarting” when they breathe to the side in butterfly. Or they’re “GHJ’ing” when they write bad columns?
Gary: What about “Dave Cromwell’ing” when someone regurgitates a joke that they made in a previous column and thinks that it’s (still) clever? See “I don’t want to be “”Gary Hall, Jr.’d”” by the Aussie media” from our first column.
Disclaimer: If you have construed anything in this column as anti-gay rights, anti-republican party, or anti-Ashton Kutcher you don’t read good. Click Here for further research.