Shouts from the Stands: One More Meet

SwimSwam welcomes reader submissions about all topics aquatic, and if it’s well-written and well-thought, we might just post it under our “Shouts from the Stands” series. We don’t necessarily endorse the content of the Shouts from the Stands posts, and the opinions remain those of their authors. If you have thoughts to share, please send [email protected].

This “Shouts from the Stands” submission comes from Jeff Veazey, head coach of the KC Sharks summer league team and a “swimdad”.

You might need to get my three sons off in a room and sign a non-disclosure agreement to get an honest answer out of them as to the cost / benefit of having had a “swim-dad”.  I was a swimmer in high school, in college for a brief time, as well as teaching and coaching swimming off and on over the last five decades. But we all know the old proverb, “Thou Shall Not Coach Thine Own Kid.”

My three sons are mostly complementary of their “swimdad” and they are sincerely grateful for the time I spent teaching them to swim when they were very young.  But they, and I, are also keenly aware that there were times when the sport and the fathering got a little mixed up. The results were not fatal but they were not always fun either. The idea that I ever made swimming a little less fun than it could have been still hurts but the boys are good natured and don’t hold it against me.

Sure, those evenings after work and on weekends teaching my sons to swim, floating like manatees and laughing as we made silly faces underwater, were some of our most precious times together. We have many fun memories and photos of the magical times in their grandmother’s backyard pool.

In summer, after a day of swimming, we’d make dinner for my mom and keep an eye on the pool. An enormous bullfrog lived in her backyard and late in the evening when everything appeared quiet, he’d hop into the pool and start swimming laps.

“The frog is here!”, my mom would call out and the boys would come running out of the den, still in their suits, grabbing their goggles on the way out the back door. Through giggles and pushing for position, we would try to ease down quietly into the pool and watch the frog underwater.  He pushed off the walls and glided around the pool passing close enough for us to see every detail of his strong “frog kick” and his skin. “Froggie” would give the boys a glance as he darted around their heads, as if to say, “What are these strange creatures?” and the boys would laugh and gag on pool water.

After awhile the frog grew tired and the boys helped him out at the step and he appeared to look back and smile at them as he hopped away.

For a couple of ”Pirate Birthday Pool Parties”, I dressed as a crusty old pirate. I rounded up the rascals and made them “Walk the Plank!”, only to somehow (arrg! Ye, Mutineers!), have the tables turned and was forced at sword point to walk the plank myself! I was sent, over and over, to Davy Jones’ locker by the impudent scallywags!

On our family vacation to Destin, Florida, in 2000, after our first summer T.A.G.S. Championship, we snorkeled two days and because our boys, at that point, age 4, 7 & 10, were strong swimmers, we basically just turned them loose for hours exploring the sea life around the jetty, while other parents looked on in horror and remained tethered to their children wearing huge orange flotation devices in shallow water. The boys remember this trip as one of our great family adventures.

As the boys grew and swimming moved from backyard and vacation fun to the fun and challenge of being on a team, there were “moments” and almost all swim families have had them. No one is proud of these moments, but they taught us a lot.

My wife is a great parent with natural ability. I am, uh, highly coachable. I learned a lot about parenting while our boys were swimming and and she learned a lot about swimming while parenting. Together, we both learned about water polo when our middle son, Liam, and youngest Jonas, discovered it and became High School All-Americans and took on both sports. Together, she and I have been a pretty good team.

Here are a few things we learned or borrowed along the way.

Never use extrinsic motivation to motivate a child to do anything. Self-Motivation must be built one brick at a time by a child who understands the purpose and reward of hard work, can manage disappointment while failing to accomplish a goal without also experiencing the compounding frustration of not getting something they really wanted. Confusing gifts and paid-work is really a bad idea.

After a bad swim do not conduct a post mortem.This is not a parent role in swimming. It’s between the coach and the swimmer to talk about how to improve next time. It’s hard for parents to let go of this, since we guide our kids through many other personal challenges. Being a coach as well as a Dad, I broke the rules here more than once. I finally realized I loved being “Just Dad” more than I loved being their “Pretend Coach”.  The only really good thing you can say to a kid after a bad swim is , “Where should we go eat?” This worked for us after the lowest age group meets and after the Olympic Trials in Omaha.

Jonas, loved the water but was perhaps our most reluctant competitive swimmer. By the time he could join a team he had already attended a childhood full of swim meets watching his two older brothers, getting sunburned, missing out playing with friends back at home. He was approaching burnout before he’d even worn his first Dallas Mustangs Speedo.

After school workouts were never easy for him. He always wanted to go but by the time we drove 30 minutes to the pool he had fallen asleep and was not in the mood to be woken up, much less to throw himself into the pool for a workout. It happened over and over and often I just let him sleep. Parent axiom, “Pick your battles, pick your battles…”

Eventually, I hit on the genius idea of telling him if he would just go in and swim 10 minutes, then we would go home. He loved his coach, Beth Lochwood, so I could also use the fact that Beth would want to see him for just a few minutes. This worked miraculously and once in the water, he was refreshed and did the workout as best as a fun loving, mildly competitive boy would do.

One day though, young Jonas would not play along with my coaxing. I’d had a rough day lawyering and left work early to help get the boys to their swim practices on time. Of course, the boys were rarely in the same groups, at the same times, or even at the same pools, so trying to get them to swim practice resembled an old Keystone Cops movie.  Jonas fell asleep on the drive out and he wasn’t buying my “10 minute” bribe. I did not listen to my inner good parent that day. As I got a hold of one arm and one leg, Jonas fought like a mad wildcat. There was screaming, kicking and I thought if I just got him out of the car and on his feet, everything would be okay.

I got him out and on his feet but the screaming hadn’t stopped. I looked up and there were a half a dozen parents staring aghast across the parking lot at me, standing next to frightened children. Sometimes, we learn we need to get a little perspective, about 2 minutes too late.

We all laugh at that story now, but it is painful to tell, even 15 years later, sitting in a coffee shop in New Brunswick, New Jersey, after the first day of prelims of Jonas’ last college swim meet. He is with his team and I am savoring each moment of this meet and trying to take account of our family swimming journey that started almost 30 years ago when I started teaching my oldest son to “swim” as an infant.

It is not just Jonas’ last college swim meet, it is my last “swim-dad” meet. I have seen this coming for several years so it isn’t bitter-sweet, it is just sweet. I think we got it right. We did okay. They all still loves the water. All three boys have helped me coach my summer league tea and coached swimming and water polo on their own. They are good teachers, kind and patient with kids just beginning their journey.

When Caleb was just starting out, he said he wanted to go to more practices and I told him not yet. He was 8.  “I want you to love swimming just as much when you are 18. You have plenty of time to get good without swimming every night.”

The next year, he asked again and I gave him the same answer. Except now, he had experienced some success, loved his teammates, thrived on the workout and hooked the swim coach in me with the words, “But Dad, I feel like this is what I am supposed to be doing.”

Reluctantly, I agreed to go to swim practice a little more on two conditions:

Homework was done before practice

If he ever wanted a night to stay home and play outside with friends, to go to birthday parties or sleepovers, it was still okay to miss practice.

This policy worked well for awhile but, for my wife, Shannon, it was the beginning of the end of regular family dinners. So, we became a swim family, then a swim and water polo family.

Shannon regrets that we missed a lot of dinners together but wouldn’t trade the time we had at swim meets and water polo tournaments for anything. She sees the good men her boys have become and knows aquatics helped with that. Besides it wasn’t like we ate any less together. Swimmers are always eating but sometimes the meals were in the car or in a shady spot under a tree.

This weekend marks the end of 10 years of our sons competing in NCAA D-1 sports. Yeah, I am a proud “Swim Dad”.

But here is what my wife and I are even more proud of:

Caleb graduated cum laude in music, in four years, after three years of swimming at Arizona State and Olympic Trials in 2008 and 2012. Liam was a Duns Scotus Honor Society student athlete at St. Francis of Brooklyn, a school record holder in swimming. He helped his team to two NCAA Final Four Water Polo Tournaments and was a two year Captain. He starts law school in the fall. Jonas will graduate in May from the Honors Program at St. Francis with a double major in Chemistry and Math. He is also a school record holder and was a two year Captain of the Terriers Water Polo team.

My wife and I were pretty good in the parenting department but we also know we had a lot of help along the way from the sports of swimming and water polo and many great coaches and mentors. I don’t know who our boys would have been without the water and great coaches. Certainly, they would have turned out fine but it is hard to imagine them with the tenacity, resilience, and discipline that they have already shown in so many aspects of their lives beyond aquatics.

A long time ago a little boy said to his Dad, “…I feel like this is what I am supposed to be doing.” and for our entire family, he was right!  For the next few days, I will cheer from the stands, offer no coaching advice, and watch as this chapter of our family journey closes and look forward to the journeys ahead. Today, I am grateful to the sport I love and all it has given my family.

About Jeff Veazey

Jeff Veazey has coached age group, summer league, high school, and masters swimmers off and on over the last 5 decades. He is presently head coach of the KC Sharks summer league team, Cistercian Preparatory, First Baptist Academy, and White Rock Masters. He is a recovering lawyer, an aspiring writer, and still gets a thrill out of seeing a smiling swimmer say, “I did it!”